The light at the end of the tunnel

Over the past few days I have reflected a bit on my life in the last year. Crazy would be an understatement. Countless hours spent alone on a soccer field with only a net and a ball, early morning sessions with a personal trainer at the gym, multiple doctors’ visits, and hours lying in bed with only two questions on my mind: when am I going to feel better? And will I ever be able to play again? Waking up on the morning of March 15^th to a phone call from my mom telling me my dad had had a heart attack. Yes life got a bit crazy and at times there wasn’t even an explanation for what was happening but life is good.

I am very, very, very pleased to report that today I am starting to get much of my health back and after about a year of being sick I am ready to put all of this behind me and move on. My soccer season had been a struggle right from the very start. My mind and heart were in the game, except just not my body. I’m not sure why, but at the time I was having a hard time expecting the fact that my body took a pretty hard beating from mononucleosis and it was going to need a while to recover. That’s why I only played about half the season before I was too sick to even attend practice. (At this point it was more like sit on the bench and watch) After multiple doctors’ visits with no real explanation for why I was not getting better and being told to rest and take vitamin supplements I slowly started to feel better a month ago. They then discovered I had a sinus infection and was given antibiotics. I was allergic to the first antibiotics. Then I didn’t respond to the second one and on the third I had another bad allergic reaction. So about a week and a half ago I was given another antibiotic and was told this was the last one… I don’t even want to know what that means. Long story short, I am responding to them and I feel better than I have in a very LONG time! J.

When I first thought about all the things that I did over the past couple of months related to soccer I saw them as regrets. I regretted not being there for my team towards the end of the season and I regretted not being able to play my best during the season or being able to attending tryouts. I soon realized they were lessons. I have never been injured or sick before during my soccer season so it was a tough time and when the season finished I was thinking that I was never going to play soccer again. I started to wonder what the purpose of the mornings in the gym and out on the pitch alone was. I realized it’s the small things that matter. The one time my coach told me I had great vision on the field. The praises I got from teammates after a good game. The goals I scored in scrimmages. Yes, I would of like to do much better but in times like those the littlest things were the biggest victories and I don’t regret one moment of it. I have Cerebral Palsy and have so far been a part of two seasons with my high school soccer team. Not everybody can say that. I am proud of what I have done so far.

Playing soccer with CP isn’t exactly an easy task. Every player is faster and has more muscle control than me. They can run backwards without falling down on their faces, pass with both feet, run without looking like a galloping horse and I’ve even gotten few weird looks from parents on the sidelines but it amazes me how much encouragement my teammates and coaches always seem to have for me. This season a girl on my team came up to me and out of the blue asked me if I had ever had a stroke. That surprised me because I don’t get asked that every day. She told me that her brother had had a stroke and so she recognized similarities when I was playing. We talked about that the experience was like and that was a pretty cool moment for me. I haven’t found any other soccer players in high school who have CP like me so I really have started to look up to players on the U.S. Paralympic team and even the deaf and amputee national teams. Having them to look up to is what truly keeps me playing the game and believing in my dreams. I also have a new found hatred for the word ‘Disability’. I’m not sure why but I can’t use that word anymore. I don’t even consider myself disabled anymore. I know that’s the technical word for it and people still call me “disabled” but I can guarantee you that you will probably never hear me use that word again. In no way does my disability define who I am!   

So, what comes next in my journey? Well, more soccer of course! During the summer my two best friends wanted me to play co-ed soccer with them. So when sign ups for co-ed indoor soccer started my friends mentioned it to me. I have yet to sign up but hopefully that will happen very soon. There are no practices, just games, so I figure this will be a good place for me to start back up. After all the disappointment of how my season went I realized it’s not all about the glory and the recognition. If playing soccer with my friends in a co-ed indoor league is what makes me happy, then I should do it. I know at this point making varsity isn’t a realistic dream but I still have hope that maybe I can be involved in helping the program out next season in some way. The other thing I want to make a priority is to get involved with TOPSoccer. I had gotten information on how to get involved but was just too sick earlier this year so I’ll definitely try to get involved with that.

 

I have learned a lot over the past year in my life. The most important thing I learned is that there will always be hard times throughout life and even through the hard times, every single day, we learn something new even if we don’t realize it. Life is truly a beautiful gift and so is the game of soccer too :)

 

Never Give Up.

 

-Haley            

                                                 

The Blog Post I Never Wanted To Write

 I think it's time for a LONG overdue blog post...

I have tried to write this post at least five times now in the last month and finally decided I should probably inform you why I haven't updated in so long.

 

Last time I updated I was about to play the first game of my season, which I did and the second one too, but as you may know the last year hasn’t been easy for me health wise and unfortunately its only gotten worse. I don't want to go into too much detail at this point but simply doctors can't find an explanation for what’s going on with me and I have been referred to a Pediatric Rheumatologist. I guess devastation would really truly explain my feelings right now. I've been wondering why this had to happen right in the middle of my soccer season or why this is even happening at all but I guess that’s life. My team has three games left in the season and I've spent more time in bed than on the pitch. At this point it will be a miracle if I even get on the field for a few seconds. Although I'm still supporting my team, I'm really not playing much soccer.

 

I will update more in detail sometime soon, I just needed to update on my current situation. I don't often ask for prayers but if you do pray, I, including my family, could use them. I see the Rheumatologist in about 2 weeks. I've been told it could be nothing autoimmune but to be honest I'm scared. Being scared and tried and sick isn't exactly a fun combination. I need to figure out what's wrong with me and hopefully get back to playing the game I love if I can.

 

-Never Give Up.  

2012 Season: Week 2

Not much new has happened since this week was just practices again, games start next week. This week was tough because the virus I had two weeks ago returned then I got a slightly strained a muscle in my thigh. I ended up taking Thursday off to rest the injury. This is getting a bit frustrating as I now have to deal with figuring out why I still have the virus, school work, soccer practice and healing the muscle injury. Despite still not feeling 100% I will most likely get some playing time in our first game on Monday because our we don't have that big of a team. Bellow is the team schedule. Hopefully once games start I will update regularly.

 

2012 Season Schedule  

 

Game 1) @ Tigard. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/10/12

Game 2) @ Crescent Valley. (Corvallis) Time: 4:00. Date: 9/12/12

Game 3) @ Oregon City. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/17/12

Game 4) VS Lake Oswego. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/19/12

Game 5) VS Canby. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/24/12

Game 6) @ Camas. (Washington)  Time: 6:00. Date: 9/26/12

Game 7) @ Clackamas. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/1/12

Game 8) VS Oregon City. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/3/12

Game 9) @ Lake Oswego. Time: 4:00. Date: 10/8/12

Game 10) @ Canby. Time: 4:00. Date: 10/15/12

Game 11) VS South Salem. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/17/12

Game 12) VS Clackamas. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/22/12

 

- Never Give Up

2012 Season: Week 1

First week of practice has come to an end. I really still can’t believe I’m playing soccer again. 10 months of ups and downs, 10 months since I last kicked a ball on a team competitively and I’m finally able to do it again. Wow. What I surreal feeling this is. I haven’t felt this happy in over a year, really. And to think one week ago and I thought I would never play soccer for my high school ever again… J

Monday I showed up to practice only knowing three returning players and one other Junior. As a returning player to the team I knew what to expect somewhat but didn’t know most of the players or the coach. While still getting over the virus I knew I had to impress the coach as I was not at tryouts, so I just did what I knew how to do. After the mess the team was in last year (we only won 3 games) I was hoping for a good team and coach. That so far seems to be the case. The quality of players on the team is a lot better than last year and players seem like they care about the game. The one thing I am most grateful for is the fact that this is the first team I’ve ever played on that I feel like I’m not left out or ignored. Everybody seems to like each other. If I know anything by the end of the first week of practices it’s that we are definitely going to win more than three games this season! At the end of practice on Monday I was given a jersey, so yes that means I’m officially part of the team. The other thing I did after practice was something I’ve always dreaded doing, telling the coach about my CP. I’ve never done this without the help of my parents but I’ve matured a bit since the last time I’ve had to deal with this so I decided to tell my coach that I had a physical disability but it is mild so it doesn’t affect that much but that I do have some limitations. To my surprise he told that the head coach of the program had sent him an email explaining my condition. Wow! I know that doesn’t seem like a hard thing to do but it means so much to me. They actually care about my needs as a player and personJ. I went on to tell him that I will most likely play best as a forward because I struggle with speed in defense and tire easier in midfield. Communication definitely won’t be a problem with this coach!

As the week went on it did get harder dealing with fatigue and extremely sore muscles. Right now I’m probably the least fit on the team from getting over being sick last week and also fatigue from the mono. After all it has been at least 10 months since I’ve done this kind of activity. But I kept going and I actually think I did pretty well with scrimmaging and passing/possession drills. Since I began playing soccer at the age of four I’ve always had coaches tell me I have extremely good vision on the field. For some reason I never actually believe this. I always thought they just said that to make up for other things I lacked on the field. But one night after practice I was walking to my car when my coach called me over to help the one thing I’ve always been told, I have great vision on the field. He did tell me that I should try to work on my one touch passes but that made me smile and give me confidence. I'm finally starting to believe it’s true, and it only took me 12 years! The coach also told the team that they are looking to move at least two players up to JV each week. As one of the the oldest on the team this is a goal of mine during this season. Right now I’m a bit far off from that because I’m probably the least fit on the team but I do know that if I work as much as I want it, then maybe there is a possibility of that.

As far as my schedule it’s definitely going to a hard one. I go back to school this Wednesday. As much as I love soccer, school is the absolute number one priority for me at this point. Last year due to mono I missed more than a month of school. I did end up passing my classes but it sure was tough. As a Junior I need to get my GPA back in the 3.5 range, what it was my freshman year, and start thinking about college. I made the mistake last year by not taking school seriously during soccer season. College is the one thing I want in my future, whether community or university. I have matured enough to know what’s most important and I have to work hard to get what I want. Soccer season will take up most of the week. Monday and Wednesday games, Tuesday and Thursday practices and either a game or personal training session on Friday. I am confident that I can find a balance between soccer and school if I can do my best to stay healthy throughout the season.

With CP comes balance and coordination problems. While mine are only mild, it does affect me on the soccer field. This is why I decided to get a personal trainer to help me with this. I’ve only been working with him for three weeks and have already seen a major improvement with my balance. This is something I plan on doing at least once a week over the course of the season. I also know I have to work extra hard to get my fitness up on my own if I have any chance of getting called up to JV.

Right now I’m just blessed that I get the chance to play for my high school. There was a lot for information I was given and many more things I could talk about but I’m going to do my best to update once a week on my progress throughout the season. We got the weekend off from training to enjoy the end of summer and get ready for school. I'm doing my best to get some rest and be as ready as possible for whatever comes in the week ahead!  

-Never Give Up

                            

A Step In The Right Direction

If you happen to read my update from a few days ago you know that I came down with a bad virus last Friday and was unable to attend tryouts. This was very, very hard for me as I had worked my hardest all summer to be ready for this week. I felt like my dream had been taken away from me. I had assumed that if I did not attend tryouts that there was no way I could make a team. My parents tried to get me to write an email to the coach but I did not feel well at the time so I told them no. later that night I couldn’t sleep and was up on Twitter, Yay for social media!, someone encouraged me to send an email, so in the morning I asked my parents to write an email. I expected to get a response saying that there was nothing that could be done but yesterday I got good news. The coached emailed me back and said I was not the only one in this position and that she would be willing to let me try out on a few different teams. Wow, was I happy! During this I also got a call back from the doctor. She said everything on my blood test looked normal except for the fact that I am extremely vitamin D deficient. I am now on a supplement for this which I have to take once a week and then go back to the doctor in two months for a checkup. One symptom of this is bone and muscle pain. I get this in my upper arms, legs, hips and calves. Hopefully this will go away soon though as it won’t be very easy to play soccer like this. ANA testing was also done to check for Lupus, a disease my mom has since she was 18. That came back for the most part normal. The average numbers for kids my age is 6 and mine was 38. Although it does have to be somewhere around 300 to be declared Lupus so I’ll have that checked regularly from now on. Today I also started to feel a lot better from the virus I’ve had for a week now so I seem to be improving.  

Once again things have seemed to work themselves out! I expect to be on JV2 again this year mainly because of my fitness right now also knowing that if you perform well you can be moved up teams. While it is a team for mostly freshman and sophomore, if I can make it I won’t be the only junior. Once I see where I am and am on a team, hopefully sometime next week, I look forward to being a leader on the team because of the fact that I will be one of the oldest. I also look forward to just playing the game again. Today was the last day of tryouts and I wanted so bad to be out there playing, that’s all I could think about! Hopefully come Monday I will be back playing soccer.  See, I told you I would find a way to keep playing the beautiful game. J              

- Never Give Up   

Sometimes Life's Just Not Fair

Quick update.

Monday was supposed to be the first day of tryouts for me but with all the crazy stuff that’s happen to me lately I wasn’t really surprised when that didn’t happen. On Friday I went to a university of Portland women’s soccer game. I felt fatigued as usual, or at least the usual since mono, but also came down with other symptoms which I thought was just a cold. Come Saturday morning and I could barely get out of bed. Wasn’t the flu either and it got worse on Sunday. Headaches, nausea, fevers, dizziness, swollen lymph nodes, body aches covering 95% of my body. And I worked hard all summer to get where I was before Friday. I was almost fully fit and felt like I could make it. Then this happened. That’s life I guess.  Monday my parents tried to force me to tryouts but I knew that my body could not take it. I would have collapsed within 5 minutes of running. Then the guilt sunk in when my dad accused me of giving up and not caring. I’ve always told myself never to give up and right then I felt like I was giving up. Anyways I did end up going to the doctor Monday night and had blood drawn for different tests. The doctor said it might just me that I have a really weak immune system and caught a virus which brought back the mono symptoms. Another possibility is anemia. I was also test for a few other things including autoimmune diseases just to be safe. I’m pretty devastated right now to say the least. Of all the times this could happen. I honestly just want to feel better at this point. One of the things that scare me is the amount of weight I’ve lost in the past 5 days. I’ve lost 7 pounds in 5 days. Right now I think figuring out my health and school, which starts in less than 2 weeks, is more important than playing soccer. That’s pretty tough for me to say. As far as playing soccer it’s still a possibility I just am not sure they want me. I’m sure not giving up at all though. I could be happy if I was given a team manager spot on JV2 at this point. It’s still being involved with the game I love. I thought you were supposed to be rewarded for hard work. It still hurts to talk about this right now. I don’t know if anything I just wrote made any sense to anybody but I need to figure out what’s going on health wise, hopefully it’s a virus I’ll get over soon! Then hopefully I can get back to the game of soccer. I'll update soon in more detail. I haven’t given up yet people! I will play soccer by the end of this year. No matter what it takes. I believe I will! Something was taken away from me and now I just have to fight to get it back. I need some rest first. I haven’t slept in 36 hours…      

-      Never give up.        

Who knew making a Junior Varsity soccer team would be so dang hard?

I write this blog to tell about my journey of playing high school soccer with a cerebral palsy and I feel like I wouldn’t be telling the whole journey if I didn’t tell everything that is currently happening. A few days ago I wrote a post and it seemed as if things were going pretty good but it always feels like when I have good news, the next time around I experience a setback. Last night I got an email from the coach explaining that there is going to be a very high number of girls trying out and therefor there will be player cut from rosters. I never expected to be guaranteed a place on any team but as the policy has been that no players get cut in past years this dream of mine to play on a high school soccer team is going to be a lot harder than I expected. I was hoping that because of the no cut policy I would be able to make a team and then try to establish a relationship with my coach so that I could make a plan to become as fit as possible and try to figure out what my role would be on the team.

There are going to be about 60-70 girls trying out and only about 50 roster spots. Realistically looking at my fitness I am the perfect player to get cut. Being a junior and this being only my second year in the program that’s not in my favor, also my abilities as a player hinder me. I’ve got skill from playing so many years but my ability to run fast and turn fast is lessened because of my disability. In my perfect world fitness and ability would not be what makes the final decision. It would be my determination, love and knowledge for the beautiful game. I know I’d be lucky if maybe a hundred people have come across my blog and read it and know my story. It would be awesome if that one kid with a disability read my blog and got inspired to play sports or even just fulfill a dream they thought they would never accomplish. As for my love for the game and knowledge I can tell I probably know more about the game of soccer and love it more than half the people who are going to try out. Sometimes I think I’m crazy wanting this dream and that of course there are better players out there that deserve a roster spot but this dream of mine means more to me that another thing in the world right now.    

At my school I know of about 8 other kids who have Cerebral Palsy and not one of them plays sports. The only person who I saw with disability who played sports was a senior last year who was in a wheelchair and participated in track. I know there aren’t very many kids out there with a disability who play sports at a high school level but I’m proud to say I a one of them. But sometimes I feel alone too. I’ve never seen or heard of another high school soccer player with CP but I know there out there somewhere. I feel as if I need to each people that people with disabilities aren’t just meant for the sidelines and I think my blog helps me do this but somehow I need to speak up and let the coaches know that. I also recently discovered the U.S deaf National soccer teams and when looking at the website I found the name of one of the many coaches I had last season. She had been a former member of the team. I also came across an article about her when she was playing in college. She had talked about how being deaf wasn’t really a disability for her. I myself hate the word disability but still use it because I don’t think people would understand my usage of being “different” or having “obstacles”. I almost never think of myself having a disability because that would be just plain weird if I woke up each day telling myself I had a disability! She was the coach who was there when I scored my one goal last season and gave me high praise after the game that day. I will never forget that.

At this point all I can hope for is that things will work themselves out while remembering to never give up on my dreams. One of my best friends who is also trying out asked me this morning if I was still going to try out and I said absolutely! Ive got nothing to lose. I really hope I can help her because I know she wants the same dream as me. I think if she sees me not giving up, she won’t either.  Whatever happens in the end, if I make it or not, I will still be playing soccer. Ive never been able to play at the level I really want. Last year on JV2 no one cared about what they were doing and it was hard because of the fact that I care about the game so much. Looking back at all this I can take positives from this not matter what. I learned a lot about myself as a person. Something within me as never let me give up on my dream and I’ve become a stronger person because of it. I also see other people, like my friend who aren’t willing to give up because I tell them if I can do it, then do definitely can too. Looking back at all my great summers I've had I will remember the summer I went to Disneyland, the summer I went to New York and the summer I went to Hawaii. But this summer I hope to look back and remember this one as the summer I never gave up.

Hoping for GOOD news to come soon J

-Never Give Up 

Every Day Is A New Day, But Never Promised

A few days after my dad had his heart attack I remember it had snowed and our heat was turned off because my mom had forgotten to pay the bill. I had promised myself that wasn’t going to cry about anything after he had his heart attack and I was doing great up to that point but then I all the sudden broke down and started to cry. (Yes I cried over the fact that it was 30 degrees in my house). It seemed as if everything possible was going wrong in my life.  The one thing I remember my mom telling me was that one day we will look back at this at hopefully laugh at it. Four months later and I can help not laughing at it, or many of the difficult things I’ve been through in the past 12 months of my life.  Shortly after my last soccer season had ended when I was dealing with severe headaches I would get up each morning dreading going to school because of the pain and obstacles they brought trying to learn. I felt like I was going crazy and was starting to give up hope but yet somehow each and every day I would get up and live my life through the struggles it gave me. Every day’s a new day: that’s one of the most important life lesson I’ve ever learned. Such a simple thing. Looking back it seems so crazy that somehow I made it through some of the things I did but I always kept hope that tomorrow would be a better day and everyday seemed to come with a new beginning.

I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been pretty busy.  I’ve had days were I feel great and just enjoy being a 16 year old and some days that are tough. I can’t fully seem to get fully over the fatigue from the mono. Sleeping has become my second favorite thing to do besides soccer. It’s frustrating but something I know I can’t control. Getting upset over the fact that I got mono in the first place hasn’t done me any good so I learned just to let it go. I do feel like I have improved a little bit although much of my training has stopped over the past few weeks because I feel like I’m over doing it.  Over the past few months I‘ve been thinking about who I am as a person and how to get through the tough times.  This has helped me tremendously. When I have hard day I only tell myself two things, tomorrow is a new day and to never give up on my dreams.

I’ve also learned to stop worrying about everything knowing that things eventually do work themselves out one way or another. I don’t worry about the fact that there’s going to be 60 other girls who want the same thing as me. I don’t worry about if the coaches will ever understand my disability. I don’t worry about what people or players think of me with my disability and I don’t worry If I’m going to make the team I want. I have a friend who is also trying out for the team and she has asked me more than once if we’re going make it. Not once have I ever told myself no. (My motto is Never Give Up after all!) I got an email from the coach last night about a two week conditioning camp before try outs. It’s not a requirement but most players will attend. At this point I’m not fully sure if this is a realistic thing for me. I still do need to try to get in touch with the head coach and I’m hoping something can be worked out so I can get a trainer at the gym my family works out at and do my conditioning there. I know as a soccer player you have to be extremely fit and this has been a huge struggle for me but I’m never giving up hope that one day I will run 2-6 miles and not get tired!

Right now my biggest dream in life is to make my high school’s junior varsity soccer team. This dream may seem silly to some but it’s my dream and I have worked hard for it. My next dream will probably be to get into college then to coach soccer. I’m also very thankful that I can have these dreams. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my Cerebral Palsy had been any more severe. It means everything to me that I have the ability to simply kick a ball. If I didn’t have that I honestly do not know what I would be doing. I’ve become more thankful for life and the people I love like my dad who is alive and healthy.    

The past 12 months of my life have completely changed me as a person. My freshman year I was a 14 year old who wasn’t truly thankful for anything that was in my life and when I had bad days nothing was ever going to get better. It’s kind of weird saying this but I’m actually kind of glad I’ve gone through some of the things I have in the past year of my life!

Hopefully I will update soon with some more progress! J

-Never Give Up.         

Hard Work Paying Off

It’s been about two weeks since my summer started and the only two things I’ve done is sleep and play soccer, which really isn’t a bad thing at all and I’m the most happy I’ve been months. For the past two weeks I’ve been training 5-6 days a week for 1 ½-2 hours a day and this is why I’m so happy, I missed playing the game. Just having a ball at my feet is the greatest feeling in my life. But the hardest thing about all of this isn’t the training; it’s getting out of bed each morning. I have been left tired pretty much all the time from the Mono. I don’t want to get out of bed but those two hours of my day, they are the best. And then I go home and literally lay in bed for the rest of the day exhausted. This is how the rest of my summer will be, I have no doubt it will be hard but I just can’t give up.        

 “To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.” – Steve Prefontaine.

Growing up my parents did a really good job of teaching me that my disability isn’t an excuse for anything and I can do absolutely anything I want to in life, like playing soccer, if I work hard. So I have been working my hardest and giving my very best every time I’m out on the pitch. I have set goals for myself but I’m determined that more than just these goals will be accomplished. A few weeks ago my dad told me that you always have to push yourself to do better than your best or you won’t get better at anything and that’s pretty true. One of my goals is to be able to run 2 miles come time for tryouts. That may seem easy for some but for me it’s my best because of the fact that I tire easily. During tryouts we will also have to run 5 miles and I could say that’s impossible for me, but I can’t because I know with hard work one day I’ll be able to run 5 miles, it may not even be while playing high school sports, it could be when I’m an adult, but one day, with hard work, I’ll be able to run 5 miles with ease. People have asked me “so, why don’t you just be the team manager” yes, with my disability that’s an easy thing to say because some people think that’s all we have to give. I have much, much more than that and it’s certainly not my best. I’ve been playing soccer on a team since the age of four. That’s 12 years and the game is my life, I can do better than team manager.

I’ve only been doing this training for 2 ½ weeks now and I can already see improvement. That’s the best feeling! The first thing is that I have been able to go without a knee brace on my left knee for the first time since I was 11 years old, I badly dislocated it in 2007, again in 2009 and again earlier this year. I know it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but it is for me. While I will still wear it during games to prevent injury, I thought I would never get out of that thing. Another discovery I made is that doing certain goalkeeping drills is really beneficial for me. Your probably thinking, “What the heck, goalkeeping drills for a striker?” YEAH! It helps strengthen back and arm muscles, something that really affects me because my CP. As well as agility, which pretty poor for me too. The left side of my back is underdeveloped but I can already see improvement. Cracking my back is the only way I get relief from back pain and since I’ve been told by a doctor it is safe to do, that’s how I get relief but because of the left side, I couldn’t get relief there. The muscles one the left side are slowly getting stronger and the pain is slowly going away. Same thing with my left leg before this is could never shuffle to the left now it’s almost easy to do! I am pretty amazed with the improvement I have in just two weeks. It gives me a lot of hope!  

Just a few weeks ago I was telling myself that I was never going to make my Junior Varsity team but I realized that would never do me any good telling myself I won’t so now I tell myself I can, and I will. I have till August 20^th, 49 days, to work as hard as I can and I have nothing to lose. If in the end I don’t make it, yes it will be hard for me, but knowing that I work as hard as I could, harder than anyone ever expected, achieved more than I could of dreamed.. I gave my best and showed my gift, that’s all that matters to me! (But always expect me to make that teamJ)                                             

Long Summer Ahead!

2011 West Linn high school JV2 girls soccer team. 

Haven’t written a post in 3 weeks, oops! Not all that much has happened in the last three weeks though, just school, homework and finalsJ.  Finally that’s all over and the start of my summer is here! But as far as physically and mentally this will most likely be the toughest summer of my life. I currently still not fully over the Mono I came down with 10 weeks ago. This is the most frustrating of all. I know that mono can last anywhere from a few weeks to months. That’s what frustrates me; I need to recover from mono soon if I have any chance of playing soccer by the end of summer! The mono as left me feeling extremely fatigued with a very weak immune system, I currently am getting over my third cold in the past month. At this point I am starting to look for answers on what I should do as a player, I have asked a few people and no one seems to know anything. I’m not fit at all; I had to run a mile in wellness class last week and after running just a quarter of the mile I felt like I was going to pass out. So rather than just sit around and wait till I’m fully recovered I have decided that I need to push myself and get back to the gym and just go and kick the ball around when I feel well enough to. I am aware that this plan a totally backfire on me and I could end up feeling worse, but the least I can do is try!

The one other goal I do have for this summer is to act more like a kid. The past year of my life has stopped me from doing that and put a lot of unneeded stress on me. Last year around this time last year one of my family’s closets friends passed away. That was the real start of all the stress for me. Then a few months later after the start of my soccer season all the sickness, benign heart murmur, headaches and back pain started. Doctor after doctor and a lot of this still hasn’t been figured out yet. While I thought I was getting better in February, in March my dad had is heart attack and surgery then I dislocated my knee for the third time. Then yet again I got sick in early April with Mono. Honestly sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy!! Yes throughout all this I have a lot of fun but sometimes I do wish I was just a bit for of a kid, not having so much stress and having to be so mature. This summer my goal is to have fun with what I’m doing, if I don’t reach my goal of playing at my high school I do have a coed league I could join, as much as I do don’t want to do that my goal is to play at the highest level I possibly can and if coed is the highest I can play at, then I will have to except it. I also want to be able to hang out with friends like any other teenager, and learn to drive, something I have had no time for! My friends are very supportive of me and are trying to help me reach my soccer dreams too.

In my last two posts I talked about informing my high school coaches and the athletic director about what’s going on and trying to find a role on a team, that’s still in the works. My parents are busy people tooJ. They having given me great advice on this and we have decided to go to the athletic director for advice but then go to the head coach and have me explain all that’s going on medically and help the coaches understand my Cerebral Palsy better. I need to let them know that I am very passionate about the game of soccer and that I’ve just got a few things get in my way, if they give me the chance I’ll work as hard as anyone else on the field, while I might not be in the best shape or even have the best skill I am still willing to fight for my place on a team. I have the whole summer to decide how I am going to help coaches understand but right now I need to just get over this nasty mono and start to being to get some strength back and most of all enjoy my only summer as a 16 year old J.

* Today, after finishing up my post I have decided with still getting over a cold should just kick the ball around a little and go for a short walk/jog rather than push myself too hard at the gym. This probably wasn’t the most interesting post but I felt that I needed to explain what’s going on. I’ll try to keep doing bi-weekly blog posts if possible about my progress with fitness, recovery and contacting the coach at my high school. Yes, I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm not giving up yet! 

                    

For The Love Of The Game Part 2: Fighting

When I wrote my last blog entry I was a little bit discouraged and confused so I didn’t really address all that was going on. One of those things I didn’t mention was that the head coach made it clear that her coaching philosophy was that all players should come to her if there’s anything that needs to be talked about. I’m actually pretty good about being able to talk with adults, but not when it comes to my Cerebral Palsy. This is one of the major things that are holding me back. Being able to talk to the coach about my CP is just something I really can’t do without the help of my mom or the athletic director yet. So that’s my next step, talking with the athletic director at my school. Sometime this week hopefully I’ll get in contact with him and see if there can be some sort of meeting where we can discuss more about my CP and what my role, if any, will be on a team next fall.  

Over the past few years I’ve seen great improvement in opportunities for athletes with disabilities at youth, High School, collegiate and even Paralympic level.  I have come to realize that I’m in a position where I can help improve it even more. But I’ve learned it isn’t too easy. I have to and will fight for my right to be able to play sports like any other person.  I have to let my coach and athletic director know that I deserve it or I may never get the chance to continue playing in the fall. I feel fortunate to be in the place where I am and that I’m able to fight, even if no one acknowledges it, for other people with disabilities who never got to play sports. That’s what keeps me going. Even in the end if I fail, at least I know I didn’t give up. And if I succeed I’ll know that I had to do what many other disabled athletes do, fight. This is also why my true favorite athletes and inspirations are mostly Paralympians, knowing that they were once were I was encourages me and gives me hope.

As for now I am still dealing with pain in a lot of my body, but mainly my back. I’ve decided that I’m not going to worry about it too much and deal with like I have been for a while now. I’ve gotten a LOT better from the Mono in the past two weeks and finally feel like going outside and playing again. Over the next few months I am going to have to put in a lot of hard work. Starting with building strength back in my left knee, being able to run to where I don’t get as tired on the field and working on skills. I am willing to do all of this to show people that a person with a disability can play soccer too. Even if I don’t do all this or I am not in the coaches plans next year I still want to fight and stand up for the other kids with disabilities who never got to play sports at a high school level.  

Hopefully by the time schools out in mid-June I will have had some kind of talk with my school athletic director/coach and hopefully there will be good news! J                 

For The Love Of The Game

99.9% of the time when you ask me about my disability I will tell you that there’s almost never a time in my life that I wished I didn’t have a disability and I’m even blessed at times that I have a disability. But what’s the other .1% of the time when I think, why me? That’s when I think about the game of soccer.  At the time of writing this I am sick yet again. I am also just plane tired and discouraged. Tonight my mom went to a soccer meeting at my High School; I could not go due to me being sick. She got back and we had a talk, I now know that I have a very, very long summer ahead of me.  She told me about all the conditioning the coaches want, the level of play I must be at and how there will be high competition and a high turnout of players at tryouts and if my fitness level and skill level don’t match up, I will be cut. This is nothing I didn’t expect, but I have come to the harsh realization my health and disability may hinder me from reaching coaches expectations.

So, you wonder why I haven’t lost all faith and said there’s no way I can do this yet? Maybe it’s just simply because I love the game so much.

Tonight my mom asked me if I’ve ever wanted not to have Cerebral Palsy and if I ever wondered how good of a player I would be without it. I don’t cry often, but I nearly broke down in tears when she asked me this. Yes, yes I do wish sometimes I didn’t have CP. And I know that I’d be a great player without CP. I get frustrated with the fact that I can’t just be that soccer star and just be able to keep up on the field. But I know that everything happens for a reason and there’s a reason I have Cerebral Palsy and there’s even a reason I still play soccer too. I have also been sick since the end of last season (October) and that’s almost 7 whole months. Problems with headaches, more colds then I can count, a couple of flu’s, Mono, and a few minor injuries. That’s the main reason I haven’t conditioned as well as I wish I can. It’s also really hard seeing other girls play for year round club teams and being involved with that much soccer when I’ve done as much as I can and that doesn’t even feel close enough at all.

So, you wonder why with all I’ve been through in my life and how truly hard it is for me some times, I haven’t given up? Maybe it’s just simply because I love the game so much.

I just needed to write this tonight just so I didn’t feel so discouraged so sorry if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and a little shortJ. And again I do believe everything happens for a reason. Even if my soccer dreams don’t go quite to plan in the end, I know myself and I know that because I am a fighter and because I love the game so much, I will NEVER give up on my dreams and will continue to do everything I possibility can to find my way on one of my High School teams this summer.  

"Don't give up, don't ever give up” I know I won’t ever J

So, what exactly is Cerebral Palsy?

The whole reason I started this blog was, of course, to share with other people what it’s like to play soccer with cerebral palsy.  But the one question I am always asked is “What exactly is cerebral palsy?” I know I lot of adults who think they know what it is but then just end up looking like idiots when trying to explain it, and even at times I fail at explaining it. Usually when a person asks I just say I injured myself during practice or when it comes to people asking at school, I just compare it to other kids with Cerebral Palsy and say I have a mild form of what they have.  I highly doubt any teammates or coaches of mine have or will ever read any of my blog, but if they were ever to read it, this is definitely the one post I would want them to read, just simply so they would understand why I’m the way I am in practice and matches.

So, what exactly is Cerebral Palsy?  

Cerebral Palsy (CP) is a condition that impairs the motor control that affects the muscles caused by brain damage in infancy. There are four major types of CP. I have mild Spastic left Hemiplegia, meaning the whole left side of my body is affected.  My case is very mild but, this makes my muscles weak and stiff, underdeveloped and I have little function of parts of my left side (my left hand is more affected than my left foot, I have very little function of my hand) I have minor balance problems and small limp. It also causes me some minor paralysis like feeling in my toes and left side of my face.

What causes CP?

Doctors aren’t completely sure of all the causes but some causes are:

·         Prematurity

·         Lack of oxygen at birth

·         Fetal stroke

·         Brain injury up to about age 3 or so.

For me I was born 6 week early and when I was four days old doctors discovered I had suffered a brain bleed (stroke) approximately two weeks before birth. Being diagnosed so early no one knew how I was going to be affected or how severe it was until I started to miss millstones like crawling and walking.

How does it affect me on the pitch?

I consider myself extremely lucky, I’m not in a wheelchair or walker, I can talk and I’ve never had a surgery in my life. I also have the ability to do my passion, play soccer.  As far as my restrictions on the field, there aren’t too many actually. The main thing I can’t do is run fast, never have and never will be able too due to the damage to my muscles, I often come in last on running drills in practice and that’s usually when coaches figure there’s something wrong with me. I also tire faster than able bodied players, I can play 70-80 minutes as a striker but when you put me in the midfield I need a substitution to be at my best. I’m more injury prone due to my weak muscles and having to use the right side of my body more than the left, often I’m able to play threw the injuries because of how many I’ve had!  In practice there’s nothing I really can’t do, I’m expected to do everything everyone else does, some stretches are harder but I can complete all drills, sometimes with minor accommodations. When I start limping or keeping my hand fisted is usually when teammates notice my disability. I have notice at times teammates can get frustrated with me when I’m slower (not only on the field, but in the locker room too.J).  During a game, despite my lack of speed, I can pass and shoot a ball just fine.  The only thing I can’t do on the field are throw ins. (but I never do them because I’m not a DefenderJ) I’ve also notice that because my left arm can’t move very fast, when the ball comes anywhere near it, I sometimes get called for hand balls! The one thing I would LOVE is for my coaches to understand what Cerebral Palsy is, and while it is a disability that affects me in some ways, I have the ability to play like anybody else with hard work!  

One last note:  I finally got to kick a ball for the first time since Mono and my knee injury a few days ago! It was only for about an hour and 45 minutes just kicking the ball, no conditioning, but it sure felt good! Some pictures below.                            

      

Soccer Is My Kinda Therapy!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve even thought about this blog, honestly because I didn’t have anything to write about at all. Since I last updated I started physical therapy for my dislocated knee and literally the next day after my 1^st therapy session I came down with what I thought was just a cold, but it turned out to be Mononucleosis, which I have had for a month now, but slowly starting to recover. However that did mean that the three other sessions I was supposed to have did have to be cancelled. My Dad also had to start his own rehab and his medical bills are also adding up so that means for right now my family cannot afford physical therapy for me. At this point I’m just happy my dad’s returning to normal life and work! Luckily my family owns a membership with ClubSport Oregon so next weekend I will start to get back to the gym on my own and then eventually build up to working with a soccer specific personal trainer later in the summer.

Even with just one physical therapy session for me knee, it reminded me of how much I hated physical therapy for my Cerebral Palsy as a young child. Every little kid just wants to feel normal so by the time I was eight years old, I was pretty rebellious about it. Going to Doernbecher Children's Hospital in Portland at least once a week for eight years just got boring and I started to wonder if it was really helping. So my parents stop the therapy and I stopped wearing a brace on my left foot. Of course I didn’t stop the soccer though. By the 6^th grade, four years after I stopped the therapy, I started to realize that my left leg was becoming stronger and I could run a bit faster and keep up more with my teammates. I also could now run upstairs and walk with a more normal gait (on my heal instead of my toes) I then realized that it was the soccer playing that was making my left leg and balance become much stronger and even making it easier to kick with the right side.

During my freshman year I also enrolled in a weight training class. While I was a bit nervous at first because I was one of only 4 girls in the class and the rest of the class were all varsity football players, I discovered with the help of my schools physical therapist that weight training could help me regain function and muscle tone it the left hand. When started the first week of the class I couldn’t even bend my left arm all the way out. By the end of the year, I could bend it all the way out and fully bench press. This year I use my P.E. class as my weight class and working on strengthening both my left arm and leg. Next year I will again be in a weight training class and hopefully a yoga class. Of all the classes that could be my favorite, weight training is definitely #1! 

I'm extremely lucky to go to a school with such a good weight room! Seriously! 

The other thing soccer could do that the therapists could not was telling me that I can rather than cannot.  They tried for years to get me to say and think that, but again I was just rebellious. I could never play softball because I never figured out how to run fast enough. I played two years of basketball but I realized I couldn’t catch a ball. But the one thing that has always made me say I can was soccer. I have always felt normal and in the right place playing soccer. I may look slightly different to some people on the field but I’ve always understood the game and loved it more than anything. Soccer helped the phrase I can become a word in my personal dictionary and I cannot is slowly slipping away and it’s no longer an option for me. I believe this is why I love that they have programs like TOPSoccer for kids with disabilities. It makes them realize that even with a disability they are normal and that if they want to play soccer they can. I also think that while they may not know it, it’s helping kids improve their physical ability even if it’s just little improvement.  I will always encourage kids with disabilities to try a sport or at least always stay active in some way because soccer has helped me in so many ways in my life!   

Oh and I forgot, I turned 16 on Friday! :)