The light at the end of the tunnel

Over the past few days I have reflected a bit on my life in the last year. Crazy would be an understatement. Countless hours spent alone on a soccer field with only a net and a ball, early morning sessions with a personal trainer at the gym, multiple doctors’ visits, and hours lying in bed with only two questions on my mind: when am I going to feel better? And will I ever be able to play again? Waking up on the morning of March 15^th to a phone call from my mom telling me my dad had had a heart attack. Yes life got a bit crazy and at times there wasn’t even an explanation for what was happening but life is good.

I am very, very, very pleased to report that today I am starting to get much of my health back and after about a year of being sick I am ready to put all of this behind me and move on. My soccer season had been a struggle right from the very start. My mind and heart were in the game, except just not my body. I’m not sure why, but at the time I was having a hard time expecting the fact that my body took a pretty hard beating from mononucleosis and it was going to need a while to recover. That’s why I only played about half the season before I was too sick to even attend practice. (At this point it was more like sit on the bench and watch) After multiple doctors’ visits with no real explanation for why I was not getting better and being told to rest and take vitamin supplements I slowly started to feel better a month ago. They then discovered I had a sinus infection and was given antibiotics. I was allergic to the first antibiotics. Then I didn’t respond to the second one and on the third I had another bad allergic reaction. So about a week and a half ago I was given another antibiotic and was told this was the last one… I don’t even want to know what that means. Long story short, I am responding to them and I feel better than I have in a very LONG time! J.

When I first thought about all the things that I did over the past couple of months related to soccer I saw them as regrets. I regretted not being there for my team towards the end of the season and I regretted not being able to play my best during the season or being able to attending tryouts. I soon realized they were lessons. I have never been injured or sick before during my soccer season so it was a tough time and when the season finished I was thinking that I was never going to play soccer again. I started to wonder what the purpose of the mornings in the gym and out on the pitch alone was. I realized it’s the small things that matter. The one time my coach told me I had great vision on the field. The praises I got from teammates after a good game. The goals I scored in scrimmages. Yes, I would of like to do much better but in times like those the littlest things were the biggest victories and I don’t regret one moment of it. I have Cerebral Palsy and have so far been a part of two seasons with my high school soccer team. Not everybody can say that. I am proud of what I have done so far.

Playing soccer with CP isn’t exactly an easy task. Every player is faster and has more muscle control than me. They can run backwards without falling down on their faces, pass with both feet, run without looking like a galloping horse and I’ve even gotten few weird looks from parents on the sidelines but it amazes me how much encouragement my teammates and coaches always seem to have for me. This season a girl on my team came up to me and out of the blue asked me if I had ever had a stroke. That surprised me because I don’t get asked that every day. She told me that her brother had had a stroke and so she recognized similarities when I was playing. We talked about that the experience was like and that was a pretty cool moment for me. I haven’t found any other soccer players in high school who have CP like me so I really have started to look up to players on the U.S. Paralympic team and even the deaf and amputee national teams. Having them to look up to is what truly keeps me playing the game and believing in my dreams. I also have a new found hatred for the word ‘Disability’. I’m not sure why but I can’t use that word anymore. I don’t even consider myself disabled anymore. I know that’s the technical word for it and people still call me “disabled” but I can guarantee you that you will probably never hear me use that word again. In no way does my disability define who I am!   

So, what comes next in my journey? Well, more soccer of course! During the summer my two best friends wanted me to play co-ed soccer with them. So when sign ups for co-ed indoor soccer started my friends mentioned it to me. I have yet to sign up but hopefully that will happen very soon. There are no practices, just games, so I figure this will be a good place for me to start back up. After all the disappointment of how my season went I realized it’s not all about the glory and the recognition. If playing soccer with my friends in a co-ed indoor league is what makes me happy, then I should do it. I know at this point making varsity isn’t a realistic dream but I still have hope that maybe I can be involved in helping the program out next season in some way. The other thing I want to make a priority is to get involved with TOPSoccer. I had gotten information on how to get involved but was just too sick earlier this year so I’ll definitely try to get involved with that.

 

I have learned a lot over the past year in my life. The most important thing I learned is that there will always be hard times throughout life and even through the hard times, every single day, we learn something new even if we don’t realize it. Life is truly a beautiful gift and so is the game of soccer too :)

 

Never Give Up.

 

-Haley            

                                                 

The Blog Post I Never Wanted To Write

 I think it's time for a LONG overdue blog post...

I have tried to write this post at least five times now in the last month and finally decided I should probably inform you why I haven't updated in so long.

 

Last time I updated I was about to play the first game of my season, which I did and the second one too, but as you may know the last year hasn’t been easy for me health wise and unfortunately its only gotten worse. I don't want to go into too much detail at this point but simply doctors can't find an explanation for what’s going on with me and I have been referred to a Pediatric Rheumatologist. I guess devastation would really truly explain my feelings right now. I've been wondering why this had to happen right in the middle of my soccer season or why this is even happening at all but I guess that’s life. My team has three games left in the season and I've spent more time in bed than on the pitch. At this point it will be a miracle if I even get on the field for a few seconds. Although I'm still supporting my team, I'm really not playing much soccer.

 

I will update more in detail sometime soon, I just needed to update on my current situation. I don't often ask for prayers but if you do pray, I, including my family, could use them. I see the Rheumatologist in about 2 weeks. I've been told it could be nothing autoimmune but to be honest I'm scared. Being scared and tried and sick isn't exactly a fun combination. I need to figure out what's wrong with me and hopefully get back to playing the game I love if I can.

 

-Never Give Up.  

2012 Season: Week 2

Not much new has happened since this week was just practices again, games start next week. This week was tough because the virus I had two weeks ago returned then I got a slightly strained a muscle in my thigh. I ended up taking Thursday off to rest the injury. This is getting a bit frustrating as I now have to deal with figuring out why I still have the virus, school work, soccer practice and healing the muscle injury. Despite still not feeling 100% I will most likely get some playing time in our first game on Monday because our we don't have that big of a team. Bellow is the team schedule. Hopefully once games start I will update regularly.

 

2012 Season Schedule  

 

Game 1) @ Tigard. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/10/12

Game 2) @ Crescent Valley. (Corvallis) Time: 4:00. Date: 9/12/12

Game 3) @ Oregon City. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/17/12

Game 4) VS Lake Oswego. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/19/12

Game 5) VS Canby. Time: 4:30. Date: 9/24/12

Game 6) @ Camas. (Washington)  Time: 6:00. Date: 9/26/12

Game 7) @ Clackamas. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/1/12

Game 8) VS Oregon City. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/3/12

Game 9) @ Lake Oswego. Time: 4:00. Date: 10/8/12

Game 10) @ Canby. Time: 4:00. Date: 10/15/12

Game 11) VS South Salem. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/17/12

Game 12) VS Clackamas. Time: 4:30. Date: 10/22/12

 

- Never Give Up

2012 Season: Week 1

First week of practice has come to an end. I really still can’t believe I’m playing soccer again. 10 months of ups and downs, 10 months since I last kicked a ball on a team competitively and I’m finally able to do it again. Wow. What I surreal feeling this is. I haven’t felt this happy in over a year, really. And to think one week ago and I thought I would never play soccer for my high school ever again… J

Monday I showed up to practice only knowing three returning players and one other Junior. As a returning player to the team I knew what to expect somewhat but didn’t know most of the players or the coach. While still getting over the virus I knew I had to impress the coach as I was not at tryouts, so I just did what I knew how to do. After the mess the team was in last year (we only won 3 games) I was hoping for a good team and coach. That so far seems to be the case. The quality of players on the team is a lot better than last year and players seem like they care about the game. The one thing I am most grateful for is the fact that this is the first team I’ve ever played on that I feel like I’m not left out or ignored. Everybody seems to like each other. If I know anything by the end of the first week of practices it’s that we are definitely going to win more than three games this season! At the end of practice on Monday I was given a jersey, so yes that means I’m officially part of the team. The other thing I did after practice was something I’ve always dreaded doing, telling the coach about my CP. I’ve never done this without the help of my parents but I’ve matured a bit since the last time I’ve had to deal with this so I decided to tell my coach that I had a physical disability but it is mild so it doesn’t affect that much but that I do have some limitations. To my surprise he told that the head coach of the program had sent him an email explaining my condition. Wow! I know that doesn’t seem like a hard thing to do but it means so much to me. They actually care about my needs as a player and personJ. I went on to tell him that I will most likely play best as a forward because I struggle with speed in defense and tire easier in midfield. Communication definitely won’t be a problem with this coach!

As the week went on it did get harder dealing with fatigue and extremely sore muscles. Right now I’m probably the least fit on the team from getting over being sick last week and also fatigue from the mono. After all it has been at least 10 months since I’ve done this kind of activity. But I kept going and I actually think I did pretty well with scrimmaging and passing/possession drills. Since I began playing soccer at the age of four I’ve always had coaches tell me I have extremely good vision on the field. For some reason I never actually believe this. I always thought they just said that to make up for other things I lacked on the field. But one night after practice I was walking to my car when my coach called me over to help the one thing I’ve always been told, I have great vision on the field. He did tell me that I should try to work on my one touch passes but that made me smile and give me confidence. I'm finally starting to believe it’s true, and it only took me 12 years! The coach also told the team that they are looking to move at least two players up to JV each week. As one of the the oldest on the team this is a goal of mine during this season. Right now I’m a bit far off from that because I’m probably the least fit on the team but I do know that if I work as much as I want it, then maybe there is a possibility of that.

As far as my schedule it’s definitely going to a hard one. I go back to school this Wednesday. As much as I love soccer, school is the absolute number one priority for me at this point. Last year due to mono I missed more than a month of school. I did end up passing my classes but it sure was tough. As a Junior I need to get my GPA back in the 3.5 range, what it was my freshman year, and start thinking about college. I made the mistake last year by not taking school seriously during soccer season. College is the one thing I want in my future, whether community or university. I have matured enough to know what’s most important and I have to work hard to get what I want. Soccer season will take up most of the week. Monday and Wednesday games, Tuesday and Thursday practices and either a game or personal training session on Friday. I am confident that I can find a balance between soccer and school if I can do my best to stay healthy throughout the season.

With CP comes balance and coordination problems. While mine are only mild, it does affect me on the soccer field. This is why I decided to get a personal trainer to help me with this. I’ve only been working with him for three weeks and have already seen a major improvement with my balance. This is something I plan on doing at least once a week over the course of the season. I also know I have to work extra hard to get my fitness up on my own if I have any chance of getting called up to JV.

Right now I’m just blessed that I get the chance to play for my high school. There was a lot for information I was given and many more things I could talk about but I’m going to do my best to update once a week on my progress throughout the season. We got the weekend off from training to enjoy the end of summer and get ready for school. I'm doing my best to get some rest and be as ready as possible for whatever comes in the week ahead!  

-Never Give Up

                            

A Step In The Right Direction

If you happen to read my update from a few days ago you know that I came down with a bad virus last Friday and was unable to attend tryouts. This was very, very hard for me as I had worked my hardest all summer to be ready for this week. I felt like my dream had been taken away from me. I had assumed that if I did not attend tryouts that there was no way I could make a team. My parents tried to get me to write an email to the coach but I did not feel well at the time so I told them no. later that night I couldn’t sleep and was up on Twitter, Yay for social media!, someone encouraged me to send an email, so in the morning I asked my parents to write an email. I expected to get a response saying that there was nothing that could be done but yesterday I got good news. The coached emailed me back and said I was not the only one in this position and that she would be willing to let me try out on a few different teams. Wow, was I happy! During this I also got a call back from the doctor. She said everything on my blood test looked normal except for the fact that I am extremely vitamin D deficient. I am now on a supplement for this which I have to take once a week and then go back to the doctor in two months for a checkup. One symptom of this is bone and muscle pain. I get this in my upper arms, legs, hips and calves. Hopefully this will go away soon though as it won’t be very easy to play soccer like this. ANA testing was also done to check for Lupus, a disease my mom has since she was 18. That came back for the most part normal. The average numbers for kids my age is 6 and mine was 38. Although it does have to be somewhere around 300 to be declared Lupus so I’ll have that checked regularly from now on. Today I also started to feel a lot better from the virus I’ve had for a week now so I seem to be improving.  

Once again things have seemed to work themselves out! I expect to be on JV2 again this year mainly because of my fitness right now also knowing that if you perform well you can be moved up teams. While it is a team for mostly freshman and sophomore, if I can make it I won’t be the only junior. Once I see where I am and am on a team, hopefully sometime next week, I look forward to being a leader on the team because of the fact that I will be one of the oldest. I also look forward to just playing the game again. Today was the last day of tryouts and I wanted so bad to be out there playing, that’s all I could think about! Hopefully come Monday I will be back playing soccer.  See, I told you I would find a way to keep playing the beautiful game. J              

- Never Give Up   

Sometimes Life's Just Not Fair

Quick update.

Monday was supposed to be the first day of tryouts for me but with all the crazy stuff that’s happen to me lately I wasn’t really surprised when that didn’t happen. On Friday I went to a university of Portland women’s soccer game. I felt fatigued as usual, or at least the usual since mono, but also came down with other symptoms which I thought was just a cold. Come Saturday morning and I could barely get out of bed. Wasn’t the flu either and it got worse on Sunday. Headaches, nausea, fevers, dizziness, swollen lymph nodes, body aches covering 95% of my body. And I worked hard all summer to get where I was before Friday. I was almost fully fit and felt like I could make it. Then this happened. That’s life I guess.  Monday my parents tried to force me to tryouts but I knew that my body could not take it. I would have collapsed within 5 minutes of running. Then the guilt sunk in when my dad accused me of giving up and not caring. I’ve always told myself never to give up and right then I felt like I was giving up. Anyways I did end up going to the doctor Monday night and had blood drawn for different tests. The doctor said it might just me that I have a really weak immune system and caught a virus which brought back the mono symptoms. Another possibility is anemia. I was also test for a few other things including autoimmune diseases just to be safe. I’m pretty devastated right now to say the least. Of all the times this could happen. I honestly just want to feel better at this point. One of the things that scare me is the amount of weight I’ve lost in the past 5 days. I’ve lost 7 pounds in 5 days. Right now I think figuring out my health and school, which starts in less than 2 weeks, is more important than playing soccer. That’s pretty tough for me to say. As far as playing soccer it’s still a possibility I just am not sure they want me. I’m sure not giving up at all though. I could be happy if I was given a team manager spot on JV2 at this point. It’s still being involved with the game I love. I thought you were supposed to be rewarded for hard work. It still hurts to talk about this right now. I don’t know if anything I just wrote made any sense to anybody but I need to figure out what’s going on health wise, hopefully it’s a virus I’ll get over soon! Then hopefully I can get back to the game of soccer. I'll update soon in more detail. I haven’t given up yet people! I will play soccer by the end of this year. No matter what it takes. I believe I will! Something was taken away from me and now I just have to fight to get it back. I need some rest first. I haven’t slept in 36 hours…      

-      Never give up.        

Who knew making a Junior Varsity soccer team would be so dang hard?

I write this blog to tell about my journey of playing high school soccer with a cerebral palsy and I feel like I wouldn’t be telling the whole journey if I didn’t tell everything that is currently happening. A few days ago I wrote a post and it seemed as if things were going pretty good but it always feels like when I have good news, the next time around I experience a setback. Last night I got an email from the coach explaining that there is going to be a very high number of girls trying out and therefor there will be player cut from rosters. I never expected to be guaranteed a place on any team but as the policy has been that no players get cut in past years this dream of mine to play on a high school soccer team is going to be a lot harder than I expected. I was hoping that because of the no cut policy I would be able to make a team and then try to establish a relationship with my coach so that I could make a plan to become as fit as possible and try to figure out what my role would be on the team.

There are going to be about 60-70 girls trying out and only about 50 roster spots. Realistically looking at my fitness I am the perfect player to get cut. Being a junior and this being only my second year in the program that’s not in my favor, also my abilities as a player hinder me. I’ve got skill from playing so many years but my ability to run fast and turn fast is lessened because of my disability. In my perfect world fitness and ability would not be what makes the final decision. It would be my determination, love and knowledge for the beautiful game. I know I’d be lucky if maybe a hundred people have come across my blog and read it and know my story. It would be awesome if that one kid with a disability read my blog and got inspired to play sports or even just fulfill a dream they thought they would never accomplish. As for my love for the game and knowledge I can tell I probably know more about the game of soccer and love it more than half the people who are going to try out. Sometimes I think I’m crazy wanting this dream and that of course there are better players out there that deserve a roster spot but this dream of mine means more to me that another thing in the world right now.    

At my school I know of about 8 other kids who have Cerebral Palsy and not one of them plays sports. The only person who I saw with disability who played sports was a senior last year who was in a wheelchair and participated in track. I know there aren’t very many kids out there with a disability who play sports at a high school level but I’m proud to say I a one of them. But sometimes I feel alone too. I’ve never seen or heard of another high school soccer player with CP but I know there out there somewhere. I feel as if I need to each people that people with disabilities aren’t just meant for the sidelines and I think my blog helps me do this but somehow I need to speak up and let the coaches know that. I also recently discovered the U.S deaf National soccer teams and when looking at the website I found the name of one of the many coaches I had last season. She had been a former member of the team. I also came across an article about her when she was playing in college. She had talked about how being deaf wasn’t really a disability for her. I myself hate the word disability but still use it because I don’t think people would understand my usage of being “different” or having “obstacles”. I almost never think of myself having a disability because that would be just plain weird if I woke up each day telling myself I had a disability! She was the coach who was there when I scored my one goal last season and gave me high praise after the game that day. I will never forget that.

At this point all I can hope for is that things will work themselves out while remembering to never give up on my dreams. One of my best friends who is also trying out asked me this morning if I was still going to try out and I said absolutely! Ive got nothing to lose. I really hope I can help her because I know she wants the same dream as me. I think if she sees me not giving up, she won’t either.  Whatever happens in the end, if I make it or not, I will still be playing soccer. Ive never been able to play at the level I really want. Last year on JV2 no one cared about what they were doing and it was hard because of the fact that I care about the game so much. Looking back at all this I can take positives from this not matter what. I learned a lot about myself as a person. Something within me as never let me give up on my dream and I’ve become a stronger person because of it. I also see other people, like my friend who aren’t willing to give up because I tell them if I can do it, then do definitely can too. Looking back at all my great summers I've had I will remember the summer I went to Disneyland, the summer I went to New York and the summer I went to Hawaii. But this summer I hope to look back and remember this one as the summer I never gave up.

Hoping for GOOD news to come soon J

-Never Give Up