A Step In The Right Direction

If you happen to read my update from a few days ago you know that I came down with a bad virus last Friday and was unable to attend tryouts. This was very, very hard for me as I had worked my hardest all summer to be ready for this week. I felt like my dream had been taken away from me. I had assumed that if I did not attend tryouts that there was no way I could make a team. My parents tried to get me to write an email to the coach but I did not feel well at the time so I told them no. later that night I couldn’t sleep and was up on Twitter, Yay for social media!, someone encouraged me to send an email, so in the morning I asked my parents to write an email. I expected to get a response saying that there was nothing that could be done but yesterday I got good news. The coached emailed me back and said I was not the only one in this position and that she would be willing to let me try out on a few different teams. Wow, was I happy! During this I also got a call back from the doctor. She said everything on my blood test looked normal except for the fact that I am extremely vitamin D deficient. I am now on a supplement for this which I have to take once a week and then go back to the doctor in two months for a checkup. One symptom of this is bone and muscle pain. I get this in my upper arms, legs, hips and calves. Hopefully this will go away soon though as it won’t be very easy to play soccer like this. ANA testing was also done to check for Lupus, a disease my mom has since she was 18. That came back for the most part normal. The average numbers for kids my age is 6 and mine was 38. Although it does have to be somewhere around 300 to be declared Lupus so I’ll have that checked regularly from now on. Today I also started to feel a lot better from the virus I’ve had for a week now so I seem to be improving.  

Once again things have seemed to work themselves out! I expect to be on JV2 again this year mainly because of my fitness right now also knowing that if you perform well you can be moved up teams. While it is a team for mostly freshman and sophomore, if I can make it I won’t be the only junior. Once I see where I am and am on a team, hopefully sometime next week, I look forward to being a leader on the team because of the fact that I will be one of the oldest. I also look forward to just playing the game again. Today was the last day of tryouts and I wanted so bad to be out there playing, that’s all I could think about! Hopefully come Monday I will be back playing soccer.  See, I told you I would find a way to keep playing the beautiful game. J              

- Never Give Up   

Sometimes Life's Just Not Fair

Quick update.

Monday was supposed to be the first day of tryouts for me but with all the crazy stuff that’s happen to me lately I wasn’t really surprised when that didn’t happen. On Friday I went to a university of Portland women’s soccer game. I felt fatigued as usual, or at least the usual since mono, but also came down with other symptoms which I thought was just a cold. Come Saturday morning and I could barely get out of bed. Wasn’t the flu either and it got worse on Sunday. Headaches, nausea, fevers, dizziness, swollen lymph nodes, body aches covering 95% of my body. And I worked hard all summer to get where I was before Friday. I was almost fully fit and felt like I could make it. Then this happened. That’s life I guess.  Monday my parents tried to force me to tryouts but I knew that my body could not take it. I would have collapsed within 5 minutes of running. Then the guilt sunk in when my dad accused me of giving up and not caring. I’ve always told myself never to give up and right then I felt like I was giving up. Anyways I did end up going to the doctor Monday night and had blood drawn for different tests. The doctor said it might just me that I have a really weak immune system and caught a virus which brought back the mono symptoms. Another possibility is anemia. I was also test for a few other things including autoimmune diseases just to be safe. I’m pretty devastated right now to say the least. Of all the times this could happen. I honestly just want to feel better at this point. One of the things that scare me is the amount of weight I’ve lost in the past 5 days. I’ve lost 7 pounds in 5 days. Right now I think figuring out my health and school, which starts in less than 2 weeks, is more important than playing soccer. That’s pretty tough for me to say. As far as playing soccer it’s still a possibility I just am not sure they want me. I’m sure not giving up at all though. I could be happy if I was given a team manager spot on JV2 at this point. It’s still being involved with the game I love. I thought you were supposed to be rewarded for hard work. It still hurts to talk about this right now. I don’t know if anything I just wrote made any sense to anybody but I need to figure out what’s going on health wise, hopefully it’s a virus I’ll get over soon! Then hopefully I can get back to the game of soccer. I'll update soon in more detail. I haven’t given up yet people! I will play soccer by the end of this year. No matter what it takes. I believe I will! Something was taken away from me and now I just have to fight to get it back. I need some rest first. I haven’t slept in 36 hours…      

-      Never give up.        

Who knew making a Junior Varsity soccer team would be so dang hard?

I write this blog to tell about my journey of playing high school soccer with a cerebral palsy and I feel like I wouldn’t be telling the whole journey if I didn’t tell everything that is currently happening. A few days ago I wrote a post and it seemed as if things were going pretty good but it always feels like when I have good news, the next time around I experience a setback. Last night I got an email from the coach explaining that there is going to be a very high number of girls trying out and therefor there will be player cut from rosters. I never expected to be guaranteed a place on any team but as the policy has been that no players get cut in past years this dream of mine to play on a high school soccer team is going to be a lot harder than I expected. I was hoping that because of the no cut policy I would be able to make a team and then try to establish a relationship with my coach so that I could make a plan to become as fit as possible and try to figure out what my role would be on the team.

There are going to be about 60-70 girls trying out and only about 50 roster spots. Realistically looking at my fitness I am the perfect player to get cut. Being a junior and this being only my second year in the program that’s not in my favor, also my abilities as a player hinder me. I’ve got skill from playing so many years but my ability to run fast and turn fast is lessened because of my disability. In my perfect world fitness and ability would not be what makes the final decision. It would be my determination, love and knowledge for the beautiful game. I know I’d be lucky if maybe a hundred people have come across my blog and read it and know my story. It would be awesome if that one kid with a disability read my blog and got inspired to play sports or even just fulfill a dream they thought they would never accomplish. As for my love for the game and knowledge I can tell I probably know more about the game of soccer and love it more than half the people who are going to try out. Sometimes I think I’m crazy wanting this dream and that of course there are better players out there that deserve a roster spot but this dream of mine means more to me that another thing in the world right now.    

At my school I know of about 8 other kids who have Cerebral Palsy and not one of them plays sports. The only person who I saw with disability who played sports was a senior last year who was in a wheelchair and participated in track. I know there aren’t very many kids out there with a disability who play sports at a high school level but I’m proud to say I a one of them. But sometimes I feel alone too. I’ve never seen or heard of another high school soccer player with CP but I know there out there somewhere. I feel as if I need to each people that people with disabilities aren’t just meant for the sidelines and I think my blog helps me do this but somehow I need to speak up and let the coaches know that. I also recently discovered the U.S deaf National soccer teams and when looking at the website I found the name of one of the many coaches I had last season. She had been a former member of the team. I also came across an article about her when she was playing in college. She had talked about how being deaf wasn’t really a disability for her. I myself hate the word disability but still use it because I don’t think people would understand my usage of being “different” or having “obstacles”. I almost never think of myself having a disability because that would be just plain weird if I woke up each day telling myself I had a disability! She was the coach who was there when I scored my one goal last season and gave me high praise after the game that day. I will never forget that.

At this point all I can hope for is that things will work themselves out while remembering to never give up on my dreams. One of my best friends who is also trying out asked me this morning if I was still going to try out and I said absolutely! Ive got nothing to lose. I really hope I can help her because I know she wants the same dream as me. I think if she sees me not giving up, she won’t either.  Whatever happens in the end, if I make it or not, I will still be playing soccer. Ive never been able to play at the level I really want. Last year on JV2 no one cared about what they were doing and it was hard because of the fact that I care about the game so much. Looking back at all this I can take positives from this not matter what. I learned a lot about myself as a person. Something within me as never let me give up on my dream and I’ve become a stronger person because of it. I also see other people, like my friend who aren’t willing to give up because I tell them if I can do it, then do definitely can too. Looking back at all my great summers I've had I will remember the summer I went to Disneyland, the summer I went to New York and the summer I went to Hawaii. But this summer I hope to look back and remember this one as the summer I never gave up.

Hoping for GOOD news to come soon J

-Never Give Up 

Every Day Is A New Day, But Never Promised

A few days after my dad had his heart attack I remember it had snowed and our heat was turned off because my mom had forgotten to pay the bill. I had promised myself that wasn’t going to cry about anything after he had his heart attack and I was doing great up to that point but then I all the sudden broke down and started to cry. (Yes I cried over the fact that it was 30 degrees in my house). It seemed as if everything possible was going wrong in my life.  The one thing I remember my mom telling me was that one day we will look back at this at hopefully laugh at it. Four months later and I can help not laughing at it, or many of the difficult things I’ve been through in the past 12 months of my life.  Shortly after my last soccer season had ended when I was dealing with severe headaches I would get up each morning dreading going to school because of the pain and obstacles they brought trying to learn. I felt like I was going crazy and was starting to give up hope but yet somehow each and every day I would get up and live my life through the struggles it gave me. Every day’s a new day: that’s one of the most important life lesson I’ve ever learned. Such a simple thing. Looking back it seems so crazy that somehow I made it through some of the things I did but I always kept hope that tomorrow would be a better day and everyday seemed to come with a new beginning.

I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been pretty busy.  I’ve had days were I feel great and just enjoy being a 16 year old and some days that are tough. I can’t fully seem to get fully over the fatigue from the mono. Sleeping has become my second favorite thing to do besides soccer. It’s frustrating but something I know I can’t control. Getting upset over the fact that I got mono in the first place hasn’t done me any good so I learned just to let it go. I do feel like I have improved a little bit although much of my training has stopped over the past few weeks because I feel like I’m over doing it.  Over the past few months I‘ve been thinking about who I am as a person and how to get through the tough times.  This has helped me tremendously. When I have hard day I only tell myself two things, tomorrow is a new day and to never give up on my dreams.

I’ve also learned to stop worrying about everything knowing that things eventually do work themselves out one way or another. I don’t worry about the fact that there’s going to be 60 other girls who want the same thing as me. I don’t worry about if the coaches will ever understand my disability. I don’t worry about what people or players think of me with my disability and I don’t worry If I’m going to make the team I want. I have a friend who is also trying out for the team and she has asked me more than once if we’re going make it. Not once have I ever told myself no. (My motto is Never Give Up after all!) I got an email from the coach last night about a two week conditioning camp before try outs. It’s not a requirement but most players will attend. At this point I’m not fully sure if this is a realistic thing for me. I still do need to try to get in touch with the head coach and I’m hoping something can be worked out so I can get a trainer at the gym my family works out at and do my conditioning there. I know as a soccer player you have to be extremely fit and this has been a huge struggle for me but I’m never giving up hope that one day I will run 2-6 miles and not get tired!

Right now my biggest dream in life is to make my high school’s junior varsity soccer team. This dream may seem silly to some but it’s my dream and I have worked hard for it. My next dream will probably be to get into college then to coach soccer. I’m also very thankful that I can have these dreams. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my Cerebral Palsy had been any more severe. It means everything to me that I have the ability to simply kick a ball. If I didn’t have that I honestly do not know what I would be doing. I’ve become more thankful for life and the people I love like my dad who is alive and healthy.    

The past 12 months of my life have completely changed me as a person. My freshman year I was a 14 year old who wasn’t truly thankful for anything that was in my life and when I had bad days nothing was ever going to get better. It’s kind of weird saying this but I’m actually kind of glad I’ve gone through some of the things I have in the past year of my life!

Hopefully I will update soon with some more progress! J

-Never Give Up.         

Hard Work Paying Off

It’s been about two weeks since my summer started and the only two things I’ve done is sleep and play soccer, which really isn’t a bad thing at all and I’m the most happy I’ve been months. For the past two weeks I’ve been training 5-6 days a week for 1 ½-2 hours a day and this is why I’m so happy, I missed playing the game. Just having a ball at my feet is the greatest feeling in my life. But the hardest thing about all of this isn’t the training; it’s getting out of bed each morning. I have been left tired pretty much all the time from the Mono. I don’t want to get out of bed but those two hours of my day, they are the best. And then I go home and literally lay in bed for the rest of the day exhausted. This is how the rest of my summer will be, I have no doubt it will be hard but I just can’t give up.        

 “To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.” – Steve Prefontaine.

Growing up my parents did a really good job of teaching me that my disability isn’t an excuse for anything and I can do absolutely anything I want to in life, like playing soccer, if I work hard. So I have been working my hardest and giving my very best every time I’m out on the pitch. I have set goals for myself but I’m determined that more than just these goals will be accomplished. A few weeks ago my dad told me that you always have to push yourself to do better than your best or you won’t get better at anything and that’s pretty true. One of my goals is to be able to run 2 miles come time for tryouts. That may seem easy for some but for me it’s my best because of the fact that I tire easily. During tryouts we will also have to run 5 miles and I could say that’s impossible for me, but I can’t because I know with hard work one day I’ll be able to run 5 miles, it may not even be while playing high school sports, it could be when I’m an adult, but one day, with hard work, I’ll be able to run 5 miles with ease. People have asked me “so, why don’t you just be the team manager” yes, with my disability that’s an easy thing to say because some people think that’s all we have to give. I have much, much more than that and it’s certainly not my best. I’ve been playing soccer on a team since the age of four. That’s 12 years and the game is my life, I can do better than team manager.

I’ve only been doing this training for 2 ½ weeks now and I can already see improvement. That’s the best feeling! The first thing is that I have been able to go without a knee brace on my left knee for the first time since I was 11 years old, I badly dislocated it in 2007, again in 2009 and again earlier this year. I know it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but it is for me. While I will still wear it during games to prevent injury, I thought I would never get out of that thing. Another discovery I made is that doing certain goalkeeping drills is really beneficial for me. Your probably thinking, “What the heck, goalkeeping drills for a striker?” YEAH! It helps strengthen back and arm muscles, something that really affects me because my CP. As well as agility, which pretty poor for me too. The left side of my back is underdeveloped but I can already see improvement. Cracking my back is the only way I get relief from back pain and since I’ve been told by a doctor it is safe to do, that’s how I get relief but because of the left side, I couldn’t get relief there. The muscles one the left side are slowly getting stronger and the pain is slowly going away. Same thing with my left leg before this is could never shuffle to the left now it’s almost easy to do! I am pretty amazed with the improvement I have in just two weeks. It gives me a lot of hope!  

Just a few weeks ago I was telling myself that I was never going to make my Junior Varsity team but I realized that would never do me any good telling myself I won’t so now I tell myself I can, and I will. I have till August 20^th, 49 days, to work as hard as I can and I have nothing to lose. If in the end I don’t make it, yes it will be hard for me, but knowing that I work as hard as I could, harder than anyone ever expected, achieved more than I could of dreamed.. I gave my best and showed my gift, that’s all that matters to me! (But always expect me to make that teamJ)                                             

Long Summer Ahead!

2011 West Linn high school JV2 girls soccer team. 

Haven’t written a post in 3 weeks, oops! Not all that much has happened in the last three weeks though, just school, homework and finalsJ.  Finally that’s all over and the start of my summer is here! But as far as physically and mentally this will most likely be the toughest summer of my life. I currently still not fully over the Mono I came down with 10 weeks ago. This is the most frustrating of all. I know that mono can last anywhere from a few weeks to months. That’s what frustrates me; I need to recover from mono soon if I have any chance of playing soccer by the end of summer! The mono as left me feeling extremely fatigued with a very weak immune system, I currently am getting over my third cold in the past month. At this point I am starting to look for answers on what I should do as a player, I have asked a few people and no one seems to know anything. I’m not fit at all; I had to run a mile in wellness class last week and after running just a quarter of the mile I felt like I was going to pass out. So rather than just sit around and wait till I’m fully recovered I have decided that I need to push myself and get back to the gym and just go and kick the ball around when I feel well enough to. I am aware that this plan a totally backfire on me and I could end up feeling worse, but the least I can do is try!

The one other goal I do have for this summer is to act more like a kid. The past year of my life has stopped me from doing that and put a lot of unneeded stress on me. Last year around this time last year one of my family’s closets friends passed away. That was the real start of all the stress for me. Then a few months later after the start of my soccer season all the sickness, benign heart murmur, headaches and back pain started. Doctor after doctor and a lot of this still hasn’t been figured out yet. While I thought I was getting better in February, in March my dad had is heart attack and surgery then I dislocated my knee for the third time. Then yet again I got sick in early April with Mono. Honestly sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy!! Yes throughout all this I have a lot of fun but sometimes I do wish I was just a bit for of a kid, not having so much stress and having to be so mature. This summer my goal is to have fun with what I’m doing, if I don’t reach my goal of playing at my high school I do have a coed league I could join, as much as I do don’t want to do that my goal is to play at the highest level I possibly can and if coed is the highest I can play at, then I will have to except it. I also want to be able to hang out with friends like any other teenager, and learn to drive, something I have had no time for! My friends are very supportive of me and are trying to help me reach my soccer dreams too.

In my last two posts I talked about informing my high school coaches and the athletic director about what’s going on and trying to find a role on a team, that’s still in the works. My parents are busy people tooJ. They having given me great advice on this and we have decided to go to the athletic director for advice but then go to the head coach and have me explain all that’s going on medically and help the coaches understand my Cerebral Palsy better. I need to let them know that I am very passionate about the game of soccer and that I’ve just got a few things get in my way, if they give me the chance I’ll work as hard as anyone else on the field, while I might not be in the best shape or even have the best skill I am still willing to fight for my place on a team. I have the whole summer to decide how I am going to help coaches understand but right now I need to just get over this nasty mono and start to being to get some strength back and most of all enjoy my only summer as a 16 year old J.

* Today, after finishing up my post I have decided with still getting over a cold should just kick the ball around a little and go for a short walk/jog rather than push myself too hard at the gym. This probably wasn’t the most interesting post but I felt that I needed to explain what’s going on. I’ll try to keep doing bi-weekly blog posts if possible about my progress with fitness, recovery and contacting the coach at my high school. Yes, I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm not giving up yet! 

                    

For The Love Of The Game Part 2: Fighting

When I wrote my last blog entry I was a little bit discouraged and confused so I didn’t really address all that was going on. One of those things I didn’t mention was that the head coach made it clear that her coaching philosophy was that all players should come to her if there’s anything that needs to be talked about. I’m actually pretty good about being able to talk with adults, but not when it comes to my Cerebral Palsy. This is one of the major things that are holding me back. Being able to talk to the coach about my CP is just something I really can’t do without the help of my mom or the athletic director yet. So that’s my next step, talking with the athletic director at my school. Sometime this week hopefully I’ll get in contact with him and see if there can be some sort of meeting where we can discuss more about my CP and what my role, if any, will be on a team next fall.  

Over the past few years I’ve seen great improvement in opportunities for athletes with disabilities at youth, High School, collegiate and even Paralympic level.  I have come to realize that I’m in a position where I can help improve it even more. But I’ve learned it isn’t too easy. I have to and will fight for my right to be able to play sports like any other person.  I have to let my coach and athletic director know that I deserve it or I may never get the chance to continue playing in the fall. I feel fortunate to be in the place where I am and that I’m able to fight, even if no one acknowledges it, for other people with disabilities who never got to play sports. That’s what keeps me going. Even in the end if I fail, at least I know I didn’t give up. And if I succeed I’ll know that I had to do what many other disabled athletes do, fight. This is also why my true favorite athletes and inspirations are mostly Paralympians, knowing that they were once were I was encourages me and gives me hope.

As for now I am still dealing with pain in a lot of my body, but mainly my back. I’ve decided that I’m not going to worry about it too much and deal with like I have been for a while now. I’ve gotten a LOT better from the Mono in the past two weeks and finally feel like going outside and playing again. Over the next few months I am going to have to put in a lot of hard work. Starting with building strength back in my left knee, being able to run to where I don’t get as tired on the field and working on skills. I am willing to do all of this to show people that a person with a disability can play soccer too. Even if I don’t do all this or I am not in the coaches plans next year I still want to fight and stand up for the other kids with disabilities who never got to play sports at a high school level.  

Hopefully by the time schools out in mid-June I will have had some kind of talk with my school athletic director/coach and hopefully there will be good news! J